It's Complicated

Do you remember when you could post that as an option on your social media profile under "relationship status"? Maybe you still can. I haven't had to think about it in a long time. Now I am thinking about it too much. My new status is "It's complicated".

I have this amazing man in my life. This man, with his shining blue eyes, always looking for the next adventure. I look at him and am still so in love after all this time. I remember our first date so clearly (despite the multiple PBR's); in fact I remember it so clearly that sometimes I wish I didn't. I remember how it felt to kiss him in the woods that night, and I still get butterflies when I see him after two weeks. I hear a motorcycle come down my street, and a tiny part of me jumps, hoping it's him. He is someone I am constantly impressed by, and I want to impress. I still feel all of this, which makes this choice separation even more difficult. How can I still feel this way, and choose to take a break from that? My brain is quite a mess these days with that question rolling around in there.

We go day to day. There's something lovely about that, because it forces you to be right there, in that moment and not take it for granted. There's also something terrifying about it. It also forces you to try hard not to think about the possibility that this lovely feeling might not be there in a year. I'm re-reading "Practicing the Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle (I love a good book recommendation...so I'll probably do this a lot). In this book, a huge part of it is about the truth that the only reality is the present. The future is not yet real, and the past is gone. This is what I sit in a lot, and it's powerful, and very true. I cannot change anything in the past. It's there to learn from, but not to dwell on. I cannot control the future, as there are a whole lot of things that contribute to that. What. I can do is be present AF to the reality of NOW.

I never really wanted to be a wife in the traditional sense. I knew I wanted to be with him forever, so marriage to him just kind of happened. What happened for me with that title of marriage was the weight of expectation. I felt like I needed to be and do certain things, to say the right things to him and others to fit into a mold I never wanted to be anyway. This weight sat there, until it eventually became too heavy to lift. When we chose to seperate, that weight broke apart in tiny pieces. Those pieces are still scattered around, and sometimes, they creep back in.

I love dive bars, ya'll. Like, a lot. The dirtier and sketchier the better. Yesterday, I sat at a biker dive bar (go with me here, it all ties together, I promise!), and I looked out across a crowd of some crusty old guys in leather smoking cigarettes and drinking cheap beer. Amidst the haze from Newports, I saw an older couple embracing and kissing. He was looking at her like she was the only biker chick in the place, and she was giving him the same level of attention. I could tell from watching for a bit that it was real. He held her hand and wandered around the crowd. It was special. That's the love I want.

What I know is that I want the kind of love that can be so powerful it hurts, and leaves you in tears sometimes too. This level of love is what makes me feel alive. I want to feel everything, even if it's my heart hurting. I need to thank this man for giving me that. If I had that for a time, it's pretty special. If I have that forever, then that's even better.

If you have that in your life, freaking celebrate it. Take a moment to be grateful for it. If you don't, take a moment to recognize that it's out there, and it WILL find you. I know it. Get present to what is good. Get present to the magic that exists. around you everywhere, and watch it sneak up on you.