Angel of the Week
Today, an Angel spoke to me.
Ya’ll, let's get clear on something.....Angels don’t always look like how the world has depicted them...sometimes they come through someone that looks like someone you see every damn day. I think this is because we are stubborn people...we would make up some reason not to take the word of this majestic, winged creature. We would think we were hallucinating, or dreaming, or some shit. Because we are people. And we do that. It’s like we don’t want to see miracles around us sometimes. It’s easier to stay in our caves. I shouldn’t speak for ya’ll...maybe it’s just me.
Sometimes, these Angels can come to you just when you need it from someone that you know, love and trust. They give us a nudge, or teach us a lesson. They aren't always even someone we like...because those are the ones that teach us the most after all is said and done. At least that’s how I see it. Otherwise we would ignore those giant signs and keep right on doing what isn’t working for us.
So anyway...back to the Angel. He is someone new to my life, but has just the loveliest way about him. He is kind and has a huge heart, but at the same time, harshly funny. I get the sense he knows who he is, but he's done some work to get there. Today, he shared that before we ever met, he was reading my writing and it touched him. He had no idea we would ever meet in person, but realized it was me that wrote those things and shared it with me today. He also gently noted that I hadn't written since April. And just like that....he delivered his message.
I swear, ya’ll...I just write to write. I have dreams of helping someone with the words that come together on the page, but i am also immensely hard on myself, so I always assume it’s just me out here writing to myself to clear my brain. Or maybe my best friends...because they have to. I also recognize the amount of things to read out there. It’s a lot. I spent an hour reading little articles on the nuances of houseplant care yesterday. ** OMG, Writing that made me realize also how uncool I am, and also why I never know what's going on in the world. But my plants are happy. Geez, I digress...Out of the plethora of catchy things to click on, it’s crazy to me that someone would find my writing, read it and do something with it. To hear this person, who at that time was a complete stranger to me was touched by those words was just the push I needed.
So I am listening now, Universe. I will write.
I’ve been quiet. Not just in the virtual world, but very much in the real world too. Phone calls have been left unanswered and texts left unread. I just didn’t know what I would say. It wasn’t that I felt bad, but I just felt blank. I’ve felt like I’m in this process of rebuilding, and right now is the foundational stage….creating the platform that will support who I’ll become. But it felt very vacant. I’ve been spinning my thoughts around and around in my head, on loop, for me to hear them on repeat, replay them and then listen again, maybe to hear something different? Who knows. Being a person is hard sometimes.
People have told me about a kajillion (I have no idea if that’s even a number, but it didn’t auto-correct, so I must be onto something there) times to “make sure I’m taking care of myself” and that “you need to make sure you’re taking time for you”. I stared blankly, nodding my head so they would believe I heard them. I said “Oh, absolutely, yes...that’s so important”. But in reality, my eyes glazed over and I was just going through the motions of placating them so they stopped talking about it. I didn’t even know what I would do with an hour to myself. If I’m honest, I’d probably listen to a podcast and fold laundry. Yikes, that’s even worse than houseplant care.
I’ve written stuff, deleted it, re-written it and then just left it in draft. To say I’ve been a bit stuck has been an understatement. But I got up each day, found a breath, sat and noticed and kept right on trying. And just like that, small cracks of light got through. I think we always deeply know what we need. Always. If we would just shut the hell up for a second and listen. I needed some silence. I needed some distance from everyone. Sometimes, self care is more about what you leave out of your life than what you add in, and that's not always a popular opinion. But it's real for me. So there it is.
I'm not out of that phase yet. I’m only dipping my toe in here….I’m going to start with writing. Then maybe I’ll move back out in the real world and give that a try for a bit too. But small steps eventually get you far, so here we are.
In the last few weeks, I’ve been nudged to write, but because I’m me, I ignored it. Obviously. That’s what you do when you’re me. Then, the Universe smacks you in the forehead and says “hey, bitch….write”. So I will. Fine. This lovely human telling me how my writing impacted him was that smack, and I am grateful for it.
I don’t know what I’ll write, but I promise you, I will at least listen to the nudge when I get it. I’ll post it and be happy, even if no one reads it. Because I guess you never know. I guess someone might be reading it, and even though they don’t know you, it might help them. Maybe I can be their Angel.